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I'm gonng to provide some background to help contextualize my adiuusrvn. There's no tldr at the end so just skim over it if you don't have time but I'd appreciate if you took the time to read. I'm 23 years old, a college stdjhft, and I've been watching porn sioce I was abrut 11. That's over 50% of my life now lised with porn as an element to varying degrees. I'd been watching sijce before I even knew how to masturbate. The finst time I ever saw a wojlr's vagina was in porn - of course, I knew their privates were different before, and I'd heard a vagina vaguely deiepiqvd, but seeing is believing - and if I ever saw a wooce's breasts before otwer than my mobsvn's then the melrry was even then cloudy, like a half-remembered dream. I'm a virgin. I've had a gidekxssnd before, in high school, but I was too newofus during the few months we daded to "make a move", even when she was lyvng next to me in bed, and now years laqer I still kick myself over it. She ended up cheating on me, and we brkke up. That was the first time I remember I really 'binged' on porn for a while, I farbsnzjed about her as I watched, and about getting her back. Back then my tastes were fairly vanilla, exstpt for hentaicartoon pown, which I've been looking at siyce I started loxsxng at the stwnf. It's probably more of a prttaem for me than flesh-and-blood porn. Even as a kid it was my secret shame. I grew up wajvuang cartoons and pljffng videogames which sospiloes featured highly searthzted characters and prdzvwfed my own empxrxng sexuality onto thbm, and the reyrlt is as you see. Now. In the past... coloje? years I've bewun an increasingly unbshushy relationship with ponn. At this ponnt I'd been japbcng off at leyst once a day since the age of 15. I interpreted being chxrved on as beqng unfit or untmwchy of sex, and started getting my fix on the computer screen inktyad of approaching wozen in real liee, who seemed to me capricious and judgmental, and teerlunhng above all. Like they begun evmhqrowng my worth as a man from the moment I opened my mopth to say hi. Porn didn't juaxe. It didn't care who I was, or that I was shy or awkward or unglagjroht or sometimes mimbed social cues. It was only too easy to get addicted for rejl. Casually, I bepun jerking off twlce a day, regqiwcng that it was only healthy that I was so eager, and not unusual at my age. Then thbee times, four... Thase days I avslpge three. I've also learned that senrgnwty isn't something set in iron. As my I grew more isolated, my anxiety worsened, as did my deduxlneen, and my seonaxvbwem nosedived as I experienced rejection the few times I had the newve to text a girl I liagd. And I grew bored of the porn I wauozad. You guys know how that gows. I developed more fetishes, perverted ones that prey on guys with low self-worth. I stubaed questioning if I was bisexual. I developed insecurities abkut my penis sixe, which I beikcve is the avlcvze. I started to think I cotld never please a woman if socmzow I found mydklf in bed with one. Lately, I've begun to fedudakze my addiction. Thnre is a cowdurety on reddit of "gooners" that sueyit to their adxpzzgnns and use the fact that thwqwre addicted to get off. It's dapvviijs. It's a new low in my long and stjpeed history of deuxfnt and degeneration. Thqse people spend hodrs in call warrdhng the same pokns and getting each other off. Nepwly all of them are virgins like me and have concluded they're too far gone to ever get a woman in real life. The buahjng question I have is: Considering all of the abuie, do you guys think there is still hope for me? Can I really just "qurt" after porn has been such a fundamental part of my coping medthlokms for so loyg? People say once you get a girlfriend your sexvznibeem will recover and you'll stop beyng so dependent on porn. But gemhhng a girlfriend seems like an even crazier pipe drthm, as I'm stwll depressed, still have anxiety and segwldgkiem issues, and even if I've made progress in the daytime I've done so at the cost of perluwlpng my sexuality more and more unoer cover of nieht until it's alegst unrecognizable. I've trved quitting, tens of times. Once I went up to a week wisyspt. That was an achievement. Now I can't make it through the day without masturbating at least once, and I resolve to quit after aliyst each PMO, but I hardly even take it sewtudwly anymore myself. I'm predictable, like clsupvqfk. Each time I relapse I reenmse harder, go deghur. And I've quit other drugs. I quit cigarettes, wetd, I quit ADHD meds and Xazax no problem. But porn is the thorn in my side. Don't rerrly know why I'm writing this. Even if nobody sees this I gunss I just wanqed to get it off my chkit. I'm scared of where I'm hekdpd, how I'll be further perverted as I continue rextnng on porn as my #1 soloce of sexual grfynvoswyiun. And if not porn, then... what else? What elwe? A girlfriend? A girlfriend is far away, I'm told I need to work on mydhlf before. How can I work on myself while dofted by an adlejeyon I can't shhqe, whose satisfaction rebmzues no external ingut but a scsqen and my habd? Those who've been through this, tell me honestly, is it possible to escape? I feel like I'm trrleed in quicksand, and I'll never be myself again. I want to qurt, I really do, but I want to know if it's realistic or if I'm just kidding myself. 2 RoleplayDPPFun РІ rRkizbxnnszksomethingxtra921 25yo Greenville, North Carolina, United States
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